Today I found out that a friend and former classmate passed away. He died from something so innocuous that one cannot help but become overwhelmed with the sheer senselessness of the whole thing. His situation was such that he delayed seeking proper medical care until it was too late. He made light of his condition and he died as a consequence. How does one reconcile with this? He was a healthy guy in his late 30s. He called me a little over a week ago but I wasn't able to take his phone call. I was going to call him back eventually but that eventuality never materialized. How I regret that little lapse.
This guy whose simplistic view of the world and philosophical outlook that was unencumbered by pedantic reasoning made me see things in a completely different light. He was not an ambitious man. He appreciated life as it were and asked for very little. He never complained about his lot in life. Everyone could definitely take a few pointers from this genuine man.
He made me laugh and was always encouraging, telling me I was going to be okay. I am completely lost in the irony. How I wish I was able to tell him everything was going to be okay. How I wish I had called him and convinced him to get medical care before it was too late. I feel crippled by this incredible guilt and regret. All the could'ves, would'ves, should'ves and what ifs that may have saved his life. I had let my friend down, plain and simple.
Everyone is saying that he is with God now. I guess I am selfish enough to wonder why God did not spare him. God could've easily spared him. And should've.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Melancholic and Angry
Every now and then, this feeling of absolute melancholy descends upon me and I am unable to shake it off. This week has been one of those week. I could attribute it to the weather but aside from the brief rain we had Monday morning, the rest of the week has been absolutely gorgeous. What I gleaned from my usual spot on the sofa, in any event.
I still feel very weak and this is not helping my outlook on life at the moment. I am depressed and angry. Not sure where to direct this anger but I feel quite resentful of anyone whose health is superior to mine. And that just about covers anyone I know at this point. I feel resentful of those who take a nonchalant attitude toward their health. I have been fighting for my life and I simply find it grossly unfair that others neglect theirs.
It is times like these when I question my faith and get angry at fate and even God. I have suffered enough. And worse, my kids and my husband have suffered enough. This is simply unfair and they deserve better.
Life goes on around me and I feel like everyone and everything is oblivious to my pain. I am so tired of being sick. I want the healthy me back. I want my life back to normal. Please, Lord, give me my life back. That is all I ask.
I still feel very weak and this is not helping my outlook on life at the moment. I am depressed and angry. Not sure where to direct this anger but I feel quite resentful of anyone whose health is superior to mine. And that just about covers anyone I know at this point. I feel resentful of those who take a nonchalant attitude toward their health. I have been fighting for my life and I simply find it grossly unfair that others neglect theirs.
It is times like these when I question my faith and get angry at fate and even God. I have suffered enough. And worse, my kids and my husband have suffered enough. This is simply unfair and they deserve better.
Life goes on around me and I feel like everyone and everything is oblivious to my pain. I am so tired of being sick. I want the healthy me back. I want my life back to normal. Please, Lord, give me my life back. That is all I ask.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A series of unfortunate events
Slowly but surely recuperating. The last month has been a series of trials and setbacks. Started with one unexpected problem and a series of unrelated events just started snowballing.
The facility decided to stop my IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Treatment) because apparently it is not a covered benefit under my insurance. I was shocked to say the least. This is the treatment that had given me the most benefit and for them to abrubtly stop it because of financial reasons was beyond me. It took a week and a half for them to realize how harmful this would be to my care and the facility director reinstated the treatments for "free." Considering how much money they have collected from my insurance, I was less than gracious about the whole matter. This is my life and the cavalier attittude they've displayed made my blood boil. Their billing person is the most incompetent person I have ever met. Her sole job is to ensure that certain benefits are covered prior to treatment and she is one spectacular failure.
Anyhow, as a result, they tried to compensate by giving me standard radiation treatment, exposing me unnecessarily to more radation. I consequently ended up with radation pneumonitis, an ordeal that I am still recovering from. It started with low grade temps and shortness of breath. I attributed the low grade temps to an upper respiratory infection and the shortness of breath from my low hemoglobin. I ought to have recognized that the shortness of breath was more pronounced than usual. My medical oncologist gave me a series of antibiotics, all to no avail. I ended up with temps of 105F and was so short of breath that I was unable to walk independently and was literally gasping for breath after a few steps. Ended up in the ER where I was told that my entire left lung was "whitened out." Got diagnosed with severe pneumonia and was placed on five heavy duty antibiotics, yet nothing worked. A pulmonogist consult ensued and he ordered a CT scan along with a biopsy to rule out malignancy. CT scan showed "glass" all along my left lung.
To say I was bemused would be an understatement. I was at a lost and apparently, so is my entire medical team. All of them were convinced this was the cancer spreading. It took my husband all of five minutes researching on the internet to figure out what was wrong. At this stage, I was severely short of breath, running super high fevers and was miserable beyond belief. My husband showed me articles and case stories of other breast cancer patients with the same affliction. I felt like I was reading my own case scenario, same symptoms, same type of progression. This apparently occurs more frequently with patients that have history of asthma and yes, yours truly had asthma for many, many years. The cure: a dose of Prednisone.
I stopped all my antibiotics (my hospitalist was not amused) and asked for a dose of Prednisone. Whaddya know? The fevers stopped and my breathing eased. A dose of freaking Prednisone!!!
Unfortunately, this episode meant that I would have to take a break from radiation treatment and even my hyperthermia treatments. Not sure how this would eventually impact my care but I remain optimistic. God has not let me down yet and I know He remains by my side.
The facility decided to stop my IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Treatment) because apparently it is not a covered benefit under my insurance. I was shocked to say the least. This is the treatment that had given me the most benefit and for them to abrubtly stop it because of financial reasons was beyond me. It took a week and a half for them to realize how harmful this would be to my care and the facility director reinstated the treatments for "free." Considering how much money they have collected from my insurance, I was less than gracious about the whole matter. This is my life and the cavalier attittude they've displayed made my blood boil. Their billing person is the most incompetent person I have ever met. Her sole job is to ensure that certain benefits are covered prior to treatment and she is one spectacular failure.
Anyhow, as a result, they tried to compensate by giving me standard radiation treatment, exposing me unnecessarily to more radation. I consequently ended up with radation pneumonitis, an ordeal that I am still recovering from. It started with low grade temps and shortness of breath. I attributed the low grade temps to an upper respiratory infection and the shortness of breath from my low hemoglobin. I ought to have recognized that the shortness of breath was more pronounced than usual. My medical oncologist gave me a series of antibiotics, all to no avail. I ended up with temps of 105F and was so short of breath that I was unable to walk independently and was literally gasping for breath after a few steps. Ended up in the ER where I was told that my entire left lung was "whitened out." Got diagnosed with severe pneumonia and was placed on five heavy duty antibiotics, yet nothing worked. A pulmonogist consult ensued and he ordered a CT scan along with a biopsy to rule out malignancy. CT scan showed "glass" all along my left lung.
To say I was bemused would be an understatement. I was at a lost and apparently, so is my entire medical team. All of them were convinced this was the cancer spreading. It took my husband all of five minutes researching on the internet to figure out what was wrong. At this stage, I was severely short of breath, running super high fevers and was miserable beyond belief. My husband showed me articles and case stories of other breast cancer patients with the same affliction. I felt like I was reading my own case scenario, same symptoms, same type of progression. This apparently occurs more frequently with patients that have history of asthma and yes, yours truly had asthma for many, many years. The cure: a dose of Prednisone.
I stopped all my antibiotics (my hospitalist was not amused) and asked for a dose of Prednisone. Whaddya know? The fevers stopped and my breathing eased. A dose of freaking Prednisone!!!
Unfortunately, this episode meant that I would have to take a break from radiation treatment and even my hyperthermia treatments. Not sure how this would eventually impact my care but I remain optimistic. God has not let me down yet and I know He remains by my side.
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