PET Scan Ordeal

Yesterday was another nail-biting, anxiety filled day. A whole body PET scan. Fun. So anyhoo, there I was, getting poked by someone with less than stellar IV skills and my veins are once again uncooperative. Eventually got the damn radioactive dye in my system, got me situated on the table and whirring in the background as I got ready to have my scan. Next thing I hear is the door opening and the tech asking me to climb off the table and join her in the control room. This is unusual. Apparently, the machine decided to suffer an unexpected hiccup. After about 15 minutes of fiddling with the computer, she asked me to go back in the "quiet" room to await my and the machine's fate. I hear discussions in the next room.
"Well, did you delete the last patient."
"Yes, yes, I did."
"Maybe it was the power outage last night."
"Yes, maybe."
Okay, 45 minutes of conjectures and finally, darn machine finally started working. Mind you, I have not had anything to eat or drink since 7pm the night before. The hunger was not my predominant concern. The fact that I have radioactive dye collecting in my bladder without me flushing it out was a bigger concern. My renal function has not been the best because of all the chemo I've had. Now, I may suffer more damage from the dye. Great.
I have a legitimate reason to worry. Right now I feel like I may be retaining a little bit of water. I may need to inform the doctor tomorrow. We'll see. Breathing seems fine for now.
Waiting for test results never gets easy.
God, please let everything be okay.

Weak Today

Feeling weak today. Had a case of food poisoning a couple of days ago. Not good when coupled with the iron deficiency and anemia. So, shortness of breath and weakness have pretty much dominated my body. No breaks today, I suppose.
Relaxing at home watching TV. Did manage to do to church for Palm Sunday for which I'm truly grateful.
My stomach remains very much unsettled. Had a full meal at lunch and that turned out to be a very bad idea. I'm feeling the ill effects as I write this. What was I thinking? My body is craving nutrition but is not ready to receive the kind of meals I want to feed it. Oh, well. Live and learn. Live and learn.

Normalization of Bodily Functions

Had a rough couple of days. My body started to "normalize" itself, i.e., normal female biologic function decided to reaffirm itself after being subdued for two years. Was caught off guard and my body became severely iron depleted. Not a good thing when you are anemic to start with. So, physically, I became severely weak and pale.
Frightened a few of my new friends at the treatment facility. They thought I suffered a major set back. I was too weak to even reassure them that I was okay and that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Embarrassed as well. I took a few iron pills, ate a ton of spinach and am now feeling much better. Explanations abound the very next day.
Okay, at least now I know this thing is happening again. Not sure it's such a great thing. Didn't miss it all but its kinda reassuring to know that my body is reestablishing its usual functions. Ha-ha!

Best Dinner Yet

Dinner took me almost three hours to make but was well worth it if I was to judge by the reaction from my men. They loved everything I made tonight. Home made chicken noodle pho, chicken satay with homemade peanut butter sauce, thai shrimp pineapple fried rice. Yummo! Ramon commented on how much better I cook than my mom. Yeah, baby!

Screw cancer!!!

Tumor Markers Up

Okay, so my tumor markers are slightly up. I finally convinced my oncologist that the sinusitis is in fact part and parcel of the cancer. He wanted to give me more antibiotics and I flatly refused. My lymphedema is worsening and that's how the cancer initially manifested as a recurrence. I have been dismissed and scoffed at by my other oncologists. Well, no more. They are ordering a head PET scan to rule out cancer activity in my sinuses. Sounds bizarre but I know my body and finally, someone is taking note. Would have been nice if this was addressed two years ago, before my right eyelid started drooping. Now I have this unsightly eye droop. No vanity here but it does bother me. I think it would bother anyone.

Possible New Treatment

So I received a call from my former oncologist. Apparently, the new chemo drug that I was hoping to get will become available in the next couple of weeks. I am ambivalent, to say the least. If I wasn't doing as well as I am, I would definitely jump at the chance. However, I am very leery of any chemo at this point. I have spent the past two years poisoning my body, suffering multiple visits to the hospital as a consequence, and simply losing any quality of life. Not to mention the suffering and pain it has wrought upon my family, especially my children.

So what to do? Ramon thinks I should at least consider it and talk to the NP about it. I suppose I ought to but the mere notion sets me on edge. I am angry at the entire medical community who told me there wasn't anything they could do for me anymore and essentially sent me home to die. How is it possible that five weeks of alternative treatment has done more for me than two years of chemo? The pain is virtually gone, something that never happened with two years of chemo. Someone please explain to me why people with Stage 4 cancers are told they are incurable and yet get treated at this facility and are living cancer free years after.

The entire medical oncology is a sham. Every single medical teaching facility in this country is associated with a pharmaceutical company. Treatment regimens are financially driven and what is taught in medical school is so incredibly skewed that people die unnecessarily as a consequence. Chemo kills. Fact. And we are told one big fat lie. People with cancer do not need to die. There are cures out there but unless there's financial incentives, no one hears about them.

Wonderful Weekend

Didn't do much this weekend but I thoroughly enjoyed just being able to spend a weekend with a sense of normalcy. Still struggling through much fatigue so I literally take 2 to 3 hour long naps in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon as well. My hands are still shaky and writing my name can be hard. Not sure why that is. Vanity also has reasserted itself, somehow. I am just a little bothered by my steroid-induced moon face. Unfortunately, I won't be off the medication anytime soon. Not while I'm receiving radiation treatments. My chest is also burned from radiation so they've held off the boluses they have been administering. Hopefully it will resolve itself soon because I cannot afford to skip treatments.

For dinner tonight, I made pancit and vegetable egg roll with garlic sauce. I'm starting to get the hang of cooking certain Filipino foods and my family seem to appreciate my efforts. Ramon also cooked barbeque chicken which I had previously marinated.

What a wonderful life God has blessed me with. I hope to have many more years and many more weekends just like this one. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for your kindness and goodness to me. I am not worthy but I will try to honor Your Name as I know how.

Gluttony

It was inevitable. It was bound to happen. My appetite comes back with a vengeance. So today I thoroughly satisfied myself and literally my stomach feels like it's about to burst. I have been eating all day virtually nonstop. I am trying to eat the healthier stuff and I don't think I'm doing too badly. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing is still too much of anything. I literally gained another 7 pounds the past week and a half. Oh, well. I needed to put on weight. Just didn't think I'd bounce back so fast. Kinda ironic considering I have literally been praying to get to this point. Oh, well, we do get our prayers answered. Never doubt the Lord on that score.

Still having sinus pain. The antibiotic is not working. Will need to notify the doctor so they could address the issue before it escalates. My left arm edema also decided to manifest itself further. The current heat wave has made matters worse. Really need to get lymphedema treatments but I simply cannot afford to do so financially at this point. As it is, we're getting bombarded will all the medical bills. My last PET scan is a $500 copay. I haven't even gotten the bills from the other scans. That ought to be fun. Ha! Ha! Joke's on me. As always.

Husband and his wife with a cold

Well, I feel the beginnings of an upper respiratory infection. Not good when your body's immune system is as weak as it is. Any small infection could seriously set me back and I cannot afford any set backs at this stage. On the other hand, I am doing extremely well.
Ramon is sick, unfortunately. He has a bad cold he's nursing so I cannot afford to get too close in case I catch what he has on top of what I already may have caught. I hope we both get better soon.
Thank heavens for my wonderful children who helped with dinner. RJ cooked the beef for the tacos and Jalen helped grate cheese. Mexican dinner tonight.
I am also proud of the fact that I have made a concerted effort to decrease my family's meat and dairy consumption. Yup. A whole pound of ground beef and between the three of them only consumed about a quarter of a pound. Not bad. RJ opted to have the vegetarian tortilla soup instead and Jalen ate more of the beans. Ramon made himself a tostada salad with very little meat. So proud of them. Definitely a step in the right direction.

Clear Head Scan

My brain scan is negative! Woo-hoo! It does show sinusitis which was not a big surprise. I need to start taking the antibiotic that the doctor had prescribed. Shame on me waiting this long.
Praise the Lord! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the miracle of your love and the strength of your commitment to my healing. Please continue enveloping me in Your healing power as only You can.

Jalenism

It was bound to happen. Jalen realizes there's a pecking order in the world. He is upset that his brother gets to have more freedom than he does. Here's the brief conversation we had:
Jalen: How come Kuya gets to do whatever he wants and I don't?
Me: He's older than you.
Jalen: That's not fair. Why did he have to be born before me?
Me: (Hesitatingly) Well, because God made it that way.
Jalen: Mmmmm (whining)

Sorry, Lord, for using you as an excuse to extricate myself. I was caught off guard and well, You are one convenient excuse.

Life is Wonderful

Started out early for Jalen's basketball game. We are so proud because he scored. He's still learning but he's getting so much better at it. My sister came to watch him as well.
Watching TV with my man. RJ's at his friend Jarod's house. Neighborhood kid here playing with Jalen.
Tonight we're watching the PacMan fight at my aunt's.

Oh, what a wonderfully mundane day. Just what I always wanted. What a wonderful day so far. No complaints from here. Life is wonderful!

Feeling Good

Feeling better and stronger today. Been stuffing myself to the point of pain. Probably not such a good thing but gluttony is one sin I will never be guilty of, I think. I am trying to gain weight but I probably should take it easy. I am now about 94lbs, a vast improvement from about 90lbs. It's amazing how many of the patients at the treatment center are commenting on how much better I look. I can't even begin to imagine how I must have looked previously.

One thing for sure, I was one of the doubters. Despite what the docs and healthcare workers were telling me, I wasn't convinced that I would actually start feeling better. And I feel really good. My sister even suggested that maybe we could start hiking again. Okay, maybe in a couple of months. I need to be able to drive first and that's not possible yet. I still get short of breath even walking around the store so I'm definitely a long away from even contemplating anything beyond walking. Anything more strenuous is doubtful.

Life is definitely looking better. Thank you, my Heavenly Father. I am truly undeserving but appreciate your love for me and those I love nonetheless.

Today

Started the day at 530. Had to go to treatment to get radiation treatment in Culver City, then to Santa Monica for brain and neck scans (praying for clear scans, please dear God). Then off to a one hour ordeal getting lost going back to treatment center, courtesy of a less than reliable GPS. I was so frustrated. A fifteen minute drive turned into an hour. I was flustered and frustrated, to say the least. We managed to make it back a little after 12noon. More radiation and then the two hour hyperthermia treatment. We got home after 430pm and my only consolation (and first thing I reached for) was my vanilla soy ice cream loaded with tons of pistachio nuts. It was like ambrosia. Well worth the wait.
Now back at home relaxing. It's good to be home.

"Mundane" Life

Ahh...mundane life...wherefore art thou? Thee is fickle and elusive. Come...come to me, I beg you.
Anyhow. Thought I'd preface this with that sentiment. My life has taken on a mundane routine of sorts. Interminably long days spent at treatments. Literally 5-6 hour ordeals, sometimes longer. I am, however, feeling better than I have in a long, long time. The pain is under control and I'm able to sleep at night without crying and having Ramon spend the same sleepless nights trying to console me and make me comfortable.
The lesions on my chest wall are currently the focus of treatments. They are treating too many areas so some parts would have to wait. There are swollen nodes on the back of my neck which they are radiating as well. My body is so fatigued but I am able to now get up out of bed without too much effort. This was almost impossible about a month ago. One of the other patients at the treatment center commented on how much better I look. She didn't think I was going to make it, she said, when she first laid eyes on me. Well, that made two of us.
Tomorrow I have to go in for a brain and face MRI. The sinuses are acting up again and no one believes me when I tell them it's related to the cancer. The doctor gave me more antibiotics. I've had a previous ten day course of the stuff without any improvement. But oblige to his wishes I must. We'll see. Maybe it is just sinusitis except my vision is affected. Is that normal sinusitis? We shall soon see. I pray that everything turns out okay. God, please let it be so.

Ramon and Dinner

Sometimes Ramon just drives me crazy with his insane obsession with lecturing and barking orders at the kids while literally shooing and complaining about our dog every five seconds. It takes so much effort for me to even make dinner and all I want is one nice dinner where we could have normal family conversations. Little silly things that I treasure. And he has to ruin everything with his control issues. He would go on and on about how RJ needs to do this and why doesn't he do that and his constant "just do it" repeated over and over. So freaking autocratic it drives me up the wall. The kids are such now that they are becoming belligerent and indifferent to his complaints. He doesn't realize that this is not the way to get our children to listen. Neither one of the children want to linger at the dinner table because he makes it downright uncomfortable. Jalen spends all of 15 minutes and RJ sits for about 5 on a good night. It's horrible and I just want to cry because of it.

Albert Einstein's cousin and other updates

Feeling better today than yesterday. My energy still verges on nonexistent but I was still able to get up out of bed today. Yesterday was a losing battle against my physical strength so I gave in and spent the whole day in bed.
RJ had his friends over for the first time. It was nice to know that he gets to spend time with them and maintain a sense of normalcy. Of course, the little one tagged along with all their other adventures.
So, overall, I am feeling much better. My chest still feels like there's a ball stuck inside my sternum but thus far, I've held off taking pain medicine. A first time in months, literally. I was able to make breakfast and dinner with a lot of assistance from the kids and Ramon. I feel so blessed that I got to have a day like today. I thank God once again.
My other projects are on temporary hold. I think I will make my first posting next weekend. I am naturally talking about my foray into writing. Don't know how long it will last or what it will lead to but I am bound and determined to essentially pursue it. My only limitation would be my own physical strength which inevitably affects my mental faculties as well.
On a more fun note, I found out this week that the medical director at my treatment facility is a bona fide cousin of Albert Einstein himself. Literally, one of the undisputed gods of physics has a living relative whom I interact with almost on a daily basis. How's that for mind-blowing? I mean, Einstein blew the long standing Newtonian principle regarding gravity out of the proverbial water. I was so tickled at finding this out that I now am in the habit of referring to him as "Eintein's cousin." Whether he considers this a compliment remains to be seen, however. He's quite tolerant of me, fortunately.
Once again, I thank my Heavenly Father for all my blessings and for giving me continuing to give me the gift of life. And what a life it is.