End of year scholastic achievements

So, my eight year old brought home a few awards: highest honors for maintaining straight A's, Math ST award (a math software program that only a handful of students completed and one that he completed ahead of everyone else), Perfect Attendance (okay, I don't give much credence to this one but I suppose I ought to applaud it as well).

His older brother (at the same grade) used to bring home multiple math awards. In fact, RJ was the first in the history of the school to achieve a perfect score on a math wizard competition. Quite an accolade for my now soon to be sophomore in high school. He's slated to take predominantly honors classes next year. His dad has gotten on his case for neglecting his studies (in lieu of his social life). As long as he maintains an above 4.0 GPA, I fail to see a cause for concern.

Matters as they stand

Still feeling the effects of the radiation pneumonitis. Unfortunately, my left lung remains collapsed. I still get extremely short of breath even with very minor activities. Walking a few feet would make me gasp and even talking takes its toll on me. Mornings are especially hellish. I now have new swollen nodes on both sides of my neck which are being treated by both hyperthermia and radiation. Unfortunately, the treatment causes swelling on my neck and my breathing becomes affected. NOT a good thing. I wake up in the morning feeling the effects of fluid build-up in my upper respiratory tract. This further impedes airflow in my already constricted windpipe.
I am extremely frustrated at this stage. I have been doing well and then one major set-back compounded by another. I feel like fate's fool (as Romeo so eloquently pronounced). All I can do is take each day as it comes and deal with things as best as I could.
It would help if Ramon would be more understanding. I understand his frustration. Unfortunately, there's not much I could do to alleviate the situation.

Mediocrity is still mediocre

I just find it funny how some parents celebrate their children's mediocre achievements. I think there ought to be a law against being forced to applaud mediocrity in our society. Giving children false hopes and raising their expectations sends the wrong message and would inevitably lead to disappointments later in life.
Okay, rather harsh of me but I am stating truths that no one else would dare voice. So there.

Gone Too Soon

Today I found out that a friend and former classmate passed away. He died from something so innocuous that one cannot help but become overwhelmed with the sheer senselessness of the whole thing. His situation was such that he delayed seeking proper medical care until it was too late. He made light of his condition and he died as a consequence. How does one reconcile with this? He was a healthy guy in his late 30s. He called me a little over a week ago but I wasn't able to take his phone call. I was going to call him back eventually but that eventuality never materialized. How I regret that little lapse.
This guy whose simplistic view of the world and philosophical outlook that was unencumbered by pedantic reasoning made me see things in a completely different light. He was not an ambitious man. He appreciated life as it were and asked for very little. He never complained about his lot in life. Everyone could definitely take a few pointers from this genuine man.

He made me laugh and was always encouraging, telling me I was going to be okay. I am completely lost in the irony. How I wish I was able to tell him everything was going to be okay. How I wish I had called him and convinced him to get medical care before it was too late. I feel crippled by this incredible guilt and regret. All the could'ves, would'ves, should'ves and what ifs that may have saved his life. I had let my friend down, plain and simple.
Everyone is saying that he is with God now. I guess I am selfish enough to wonder why God did not spare him. God could've easily spared him. And should've.

Melancholic and Angry

Every now and then, this feeling of absolute melancholy descends upon me and I am unable to shake it off. This week has been one of those week. I could attribute it to the weather but aside from the brief rain we had Monday morning, the rest of the week has been absolutely gorgeous. What I gleaned from my usual spot on the sofa, in any event.
I still feel very weak and this is not helping my outlook on life at the moment. I am depressed and angry. Not sure where to direct this anger but I feel quite resentful of anyone whose health is superior to mine. And that just about covers anyone I know at this point. I feel resentful of those who take a nonchalant attitude toward their health. I have been fighting for my life and I simply find it grossly unfair that others neglect theirs.
It is times like these when I question my faith and get angry at fate and even God. I have suffered enough. And worse, my kids and my husband have suffered enough. This is simply unfair and they deserve better.
Life goes on around me and I feel like everyone and everything is oblivious to my pain. I am so tired of being sick. I want the healthy me back. I want my life back to normal. Please, Lord, give me my life back. That is all I ask.

A series of unfortunate events

Slowly but surely recuperating. The last month has been a series of trials and setbacks. Started with one unexpected problem and a series of unrelated events just started snowballing.
The facility decided to stop my IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Treatment) because apparently it is not a covered benefit under my insurance. I was shocked to say the least. This is the treatment that had given me the most benefit and for them to abrubtly stop it because of financial reasons was beyond me. It took a week and a half for them to realize how harmful this would be to my care and the facility director reinstated the treatments for "free." Considering how much money they have collected from my insurance, I was less than gracious about the whole matter. This is my life and the cavalier attittude they've displayed made my blood boil. Their billing person is the most incompetent person I have ever met. Her sole job is to ensure that certain benefits are covered prior to treatment and she is one spectacular failure.
Anyhow, as a result, they tried to compensate by giving me standard radiation treatment, exposing me unnecessarily to more radation. I consequently ended up with radation pneumonitis, an ordeal that I am still recovering from. It started with low grade temps and shortness of breath. I attributed the low grade temps to an upper respiratory infection and the shortness of breath from my low hemoglobin. I ought to have recognized that the shortness of breath was more pronounced than usual. My medical oncologist gave me a series of antibiotics, all to no avail. I ended up with temps of 105F and was so short of breath that I was unable to walk independently and was literally gasping for breath after a few steps. Ended up in the ER where I was told that my entire left lung was "whitened out." Got diagnosed with severe pneumonia and was placed on five heavy duty antibiotics, yet nothing worked. A pulmonogist consult ensued and he ordered a CT scan along with a biopsy to rule out malignancy. CT scan showed "glass" all along my left lung.

To say I was bemused would be an understatement. I was at a lost and apparently, so is my entire medical team. All of them were convinced this was the cancer spreading. It took my husband all of five minutes researching on the internet to figure out what was wrong. At this stage, I was severely short of breath, running super high fevers and was miserable beyond belief. My husband showed me articles and case stories of other breast cancer patients with the same affliction. I felt like I was reading my own case scenario, same symptoms, same type of progression. This apparently occurs more frequently with patients that have history of asthma and yes, yours truly had asthma for many, many years. The cure: a dose of Prednisone.

I stopped all my antibiotics (my hospitalist was not amused) and asked for a dose of Prednisone. Whaddya know? The fevers stopped and my breathing eased. A dose of freaking Prednisone!!!

Unfortunately, this episode meant that I would have to take a break from radiation treatment and even my hyperthermia treatments. Not sure how this would eventually impact my care but I remain optimistic. God has not let me down yet and I know He remains by my side.

ENT Visit

Finally was able to go to the ENT. The kindly female MD really couldn't illuminate me much on the possible cause of the sinusitis. She thinks it may be a syndrome but the underlying cause remains a mystery right now. The fact that I have swollen nodes on the right side of my neck and the drooping right eyelid is a concern. She will need to review the scans in detail before she could give me a more definitive answer. For now, she gave me a nasal steroid spray to help stave off the swelling. Increasing the oral steroid I'm currently taking helped a bit as well. But the moon face remains an unfortunate sequelae.
The lymphedema machine saga continues. Still waiting. The new DME company is just as unreliable as the last. What does a gal have to do in order to secure one of these elusive and oh-so rare machines?

Lymphedema Machine Mishap

Unable to sleep. Been up since midnight. The sinuses are not getting better even with the third course of antibiotics. 500mg of Levaquin daily for ten days and still very little relief. It's bound to get worse once I start lymphedema treatments again.

My arm is slightly red and more swollen now. Had to call the company who was supposed to deliver the lymphedema machine. It turns out that they did not carry lymphedema machines but no one bothered to notify me. I called them to let them know what I thought of their customer service. Anyhow, found another supplier who hopefully will deliver in a more timely manner. My concern is that if there is any residual metastatic disease in my arm (which I strongly suspect), then doing the treatments will cause it to infiltrate my lymph nodes once again. Sounds counter-intuitive but my hyperthermia and radiation treatments will then "capture" these cancer cells and kill them. In theory, this ought to work, right? At least, that's what I tell myself.

PET Scan Results

PET scan results show marked improvement. There is some residual activity in both supraclavicular and the sternal area but otherwise, the larger nodes have essentially disintegrated into nothing. I am speechless. Less than two months of hyperthermia and low dose radiation achieved what two years of noxious, poisonous and debilitating chemo could not. My sinuses they believe to be of a biological cause. I am not so sanguine. I agreed to start another ten day course of antibiotics and if I do not improve, I will have to insist on a biopsy. The scan "looked" clear as far as my sinuses are concerned and the radiologist is convinced that there is no cancerous activity in the area. Hmmm...
My oncologist believes I should be done with treatment soon. Yes, a cure is possible even with Stage IV cancer. Screw the rest of the medical community who thinks otherwise. A bunch of ignorant chemo pushers. Never again would I put a drop of chemo into my body. I love myself too much for that.

PET Scan Ordeal

Yesterday was another nail-biting, anxiety filled day. A whole body PET scan. Fun. So anyhoo, there I was, getting poked by someone with less than stellar IV skills and my veins are once again uncooperative. Eventually got the damn radioactive dye in my system, got me situated on the table and whirring in the background as I got ready to have my scan. Next thing I hear is the door opening and the tech asking me to climb off the table and join her in the control room. This is unusual. Apparently, the machine decided to suffer an unexpected hiccup. After about 15 minutes of fiddling with the computer, she asked me to go back in the "quiet" room to await my and the machine's fate. I hear discussions in the next room.
"Well, did you delete the last patient."
"Yes, yes, I did."
"Maybe it was the power outage last night."
"Yes, maybe."
Okay, 45 minutes of conjectures and finally, darn machine finally started working. Mind you, I have not had anything to eat or drink since 7pm the night before. The hunger was not my predominant concern. The fact that I have radioactive dye collecting in my bladder without me flushing it out was a bigger concern. My renal function has not been the best because of all the chemo I've had. Now, I may suffer more damage from the dye. Great.
I have a legitimate reason to worry. Right now I feel like I may be retaining a little bit of water. I may need to inform the doctor tomorrow. We'll see. Breathing seems fine for now.
Waiting for test results never gets easy.
God, please let everything be okay.

Weak Today

Feeling weak today. Had a case of food poisoning a couple of days ago. Not good when coupled with the iron deficiency and anemia. So, shortness of breath and weakness have pretty much dominated my body. No breaks today, I suppose.
Relaxing at home watching TV. Did manage to do to church for Palm Sunday for which I'm truly grateful.
My stomach remains very much unsettled. Had a full meal at lunch and that turned out to be a very bad idea. I'm feeling the ill effects as I write this. What was I thinking? My body is craving nutrition but is not ready to receive the kind of meals I want to feed it. Oh, well. Live and learn. Live and learn.

Normalization of Bodily Functions

Had a rough couple of days. My body started to "normalize" itself, i.e., normal female biologic function decided to reaffirm itself after being subdued for two years. Was caught off guard and my body became severely iron depleted. Not a good thing when you are anemic to start with. So, physically, I became severely weak and pale.
Frightened a few of my new friends at the treatment facility. They thought I suffered a major set back. I was too weak to even reassure them that I was okay and that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Embarrassed as well. I took a few iron pills, ate a ton of spinach and am now feeling much better. Explanations abound the very next day.
Okay, at least now I know this thing is happening again. Not sure it's such a great thing. Didn't miss it all but its kinda reassuring to know that my body is reestablishing its usual functions. Ha-ha!

Best Dinner Yet

Dinner took me almost three hours to make but was well worth it if I was to judge by the reaction from my men. They loved everything I made tonight. Home made chicken noodle pho, chicken satay with homemade peanut butter sauce, thai shrimp pineapple fried rice. Yummo! Ramon commented on how much better I cook than my mom. Yeah, baby!

Screw cancer!!!

Tumor Markers Up

Okay, so my tumor markers are slightly up. I finally convinced my oncologist that the sinusitis is in fact part and parcel of the cancer. He wanted to give me more antibiotics and I flatly refused. My lymphedema is worsening and that's how the cancer initially manifested as a recurrence. I have been dismissed and scoffed at by my other oncologists. Well, no more. They are ordering a head PET scan to rule out cancer activity in my sinuses. Sounds bizarre but I know my body and finally, someone is taking note. Would have been nice if this was addressed two years ago, before my right eyelid started drooping. Now I have this unsightly eye droop. No vanity here but it does bother me. I think it would bother anyone.

Possible New Treatment

So I received a call from my former oncologist. Apparently, the new chemo drug that I was hoping to get will become available in the next couple of weeks. I am ambivalent, to say the least. If I wasn't doing as well as I am, I would definitely jump at the chance. However, I am very leery of any chemo at this point. I have spent the past two years poisoning my body, suffering multiple visits to the hospital as a consequence, and simply losing any quality of life. Not to mention the suffering and pain it has wrought upon my family, especially my children.

So what to do? Ramon thinks I should at least consider it and talk to the NP about it. I suppose I ought to but the mere notion sets me on edge. I am angry at the entire medical community who told me there wasn't anything they could do for me anymore and essentially sent me home to die. How is it possible that five weeks of alternative treatment has done more for me than two years of chemo? The pain is virtually gone, something that never happened with two years of chemo. Someone please explain to me why people with Stage 4 cancers are told they are incurable and yet get treated at this facility and are living cancer free years after.

The entire medical oncology is a sham. Every single medical teaching facility in this country is associated with a pharmaceutical company. Treatment regimens are financially driven and what is taught in medical school is so incredibly skewed that people die unnecessarily as a consequence. Chemo kills. Fact. And we are told one big fat lie. People with cancer do not need to die. There are cures out there but unless there's financial incentives, no one hears about them.

Wonderful Weekend

Didn't do much this weekend but I thoroughly enjoyed just being able to spend a weekend with a sense of normalcy. Still struggling through much fatigue so I literally take 2 to 3 hour long naps in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon as well. My hands are still shaky and writing my name can be hard. Not sure why that is. Vanity also has reasserted itself, somehow. I am just a little bothered by my steroid-induced moon face. Unfortunately, I won't be off the medication anytime soon. Not while I'm receiving radiation treatments. My chest is also burned from radiation so they've held off the boluses they have been administering. Hopefully it will resolve itself soon because I cannot afford to skip treatments.

For dinner tonight, I made pancit and vegetable egg roll with garlic sauce. I'm starting to get the hang of cooking certain Filipino foods and my family seem to appreciate my efforts. Ramon also cooked barbeque chicken which I had previously marinated.

What a wonderful life God has blessed me with. I hope to have many more years and many more weekends just like this one. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for your kindness and goodness to me. I am not worthy but I will try to honor Your Name as I know how.

Gluttony

It was inevitable. It was bound to happen. My appetite comes back with a vengeance. So today I thoroughly satisfied myself and literally my stomach feels like it's about to burst. I have been eating all day virtually nonstop. I am trying to eat the healthier stuff and I don't think I'm doing too badly. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing is still too much of anything. I literally gained another 7 pounds the past week and a half. Oh, well. I needed to put on weight. Just didn't think I'd bounce back so fast. Kinda ironic considering I have literally been praying to get to this point. Oh, well, we do get our prayers answered. Never doubt the Lord on that score.

Still having sinus pain. The antibiotic is not working. Will need to notify the doctor so they could address the issue before it escalates. My left arm edema also decided to manifest itself further. The current heat wave has made matters worse. Really need to get lymphedema treatments but I simply cannot afford to do so financially at this point. As it is, we're getting bombarded will all the medical bills. My last PET scan is a $500 copay. I haven't even gotten the bills from the other scans. That ought to be fun. Ha! Ha! Joke's on me. As always.

Husband and his wife with a cold

Well, I feel the beginnings of an upper respiratory infection. Not good when your body's immune system is as weak as it is. Any small infection could seriously set me back and I cannot afford any set backs at this stage. On the other hand, I am doing extremely well.
Ramon is sick, unfortunately. He has a bad cold he's nursing so I cannot afford to get too close in case I catch what he has on top of what I already may have caught. I hope we both get better soon.
Thank heavens for my wonderful children who helped with dinner. RJ cooked the beef for the tacos and Jalen helped grate cheese. Mexican dinner tonight.
I am also proud of the fact that I have made a concerted effort to decrease my family's meat and dairy consumption. Yup. A whole pound of ground beef and between the three of them only consumed about a quarter of a pound. Not bad. RJ opted to have the vegetarian tortilla soup instead and Jalen ate more of the beans. Ramon made himself a tostada salad with very little meat. So proud of them. Definitely a step in the right direction.

Clear Head Scan

My brain scan is negative! Woo-hoo! It does show sinusitis which was not a big surprise. I need to start taking the antibiotic that the doctor had prescribed. Shame on me waiting this long.
Praise the Lord! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the miracle of your love and the strength of your commitment to my healing. Please continue enveloping me in Your healing power as only You can.

Jalenism

It was bound to happen. Jalen realizes there's a pecking order in the world. He is upset that his brother gets to have more freedom than he does. Here's the brief conversation we had:
Jalen: How come Kuya gets to do whatever he wants and I don't?
Me: He's older than you.
Jalen: That's not fair. Why did he have to be born before me?
Me: (Hesitatingly) Well, because God made it that way.
Jalen: Mmmmm (whining)

Sorry, Lord, for using you as an excuse to extricate myself. I was caught off guard and well, You are one convenient excuse.

Life is Wonderful

Started out early for Jalen's basketball game. We are so proud because he scored. He's still learning but he's getting so much better at it. My sister came to watch him as well.
Watching TV with my man. RJ's at his friend Jarod's house. Neighborhood kid here playing with Jalen.
Tonight we're watching the PacMan fight at my aunt's.

Oh, what a wonderfully mundane day. Just what I always wanted. What a wonderful day so far. No complaints from here. Life is wonderful!

Feeling Good

Feeling better and stronger today. Been stuffing myself to the point of pain. Probably not such a good thing but gluttony is one sin I will never be guilty of, I think. I am trying to gain weight but I probably should take it easy. I am now about 94lbs, a vast improvement from about 90lbs. It's amazing how many of the patients at the treatment center are commenting on how much better I look. I can't even begin to imagine how I must have looked previously.

One thing for sure, I was one of the doubters. Despite what the docs and healthcare workers were telling me, I wasn't convinced that I would actually start feeling better. And I feel really good. My sister even suggested that maybe we could start hiking again. Okay, maybe in a couple of months. I need to be able to drive first and that's not possible yet. I still get short of breath even walking around the store so I'm definitely a long away from even contemplating anything beyond walking. Anything more strenuous is doubtful.

Life is definitely looking better. Thank you, my Heavenly Father. I am truly undeserving but appreciate your love for me and those I love nonetheless.

Today

Started the day at 530. Had to go to treatment to get radiation treatment in Culver City, then to Santa Monica for brain and neck scans (praying for clear scans, please dear God). Then off to a one hour ordeal getting lost going back to treatment center, courtesy of a less than reliable GPS. I was so frustrated. A fifteen minute drive turned into an hour. I was flustered and frustrated, to say the least. We managed to make it back a little after 12noon. More radiation and then the two hour hyperthermia treatment. We got home after 430pm and my only consolation (and first thing I reached for) was my vanilla soy ice cream loaded with tons of pistachio nuts. It was like ambrosia. Well worth the wait.
Now back at home relaxing. It's good to be home.

"Mundane" Life

Ahh...mundane life...wherefore art thou? Thee is fickle and elusive. Come...come to me, I beg you.
Anyhow. Thought I'd preface this with that sentiment. My life has taken on a mundane routine of sorts. Interminably long days spent at treatments. Literally 5-6 hour ordeals, sometimes longer. I am, however, feeling better than I have in a long, long time. The pain is under control and I'm able to sleep at night without crying and having Ramon spend the same sleepless nights trying to console me and make me comfortable.
The lesions on my chest wall are currently the focus of treatments. They are treating too many areas so some parts would have to wait. There are swollen nodes on the back of my neck which they are radiating as well. My body is so fatigued but I am able to now get up out of bed without too much effort. This was almost impossible about a month ago. One of the other patients at the treatment center commented on how much better I look. She didn't think I was going to make it, she said, when she first laid eyes on me. Well, that made two of us.
Tomorrow I have to go in for a brain and face MRI. The sinuses are acting up again and no one believes me when I tell them it's related to the cancer. The doctor gave me more antibiotics. I've had a previous ten day course of the stuff without any improvement. But oblige to his wishes I must. We'll see. Maybe it is just sinusitis except my vision is affected. Is that normal sinusitis? We shall soon see. I pray that everything turns out okay. God, please let it be so.

Ramon and Dinner

Sometimes Ramon just drives me crazy with his insane obsession with lecturing and barking orders at the kids while literally shooing and complaining about our dog every five seconds. It takes so much effort for me to even make dinner and all I want is one nice dinner where we could have normal family conversations. Little silly things that I treasure. And he has to ruin everything with his control issues. He would go on and on about how RJ needs to do this and why doesn't he do that and his constant "just do it" repeated over and over. So freaking autocratic it drives me up the wall. The kids are such now that they are becoming belligerent and indifferent to his complaints. He doesn't realize that this is not the way to get our children to listen. Neither one of the children want to linger at the dinner table because he makes it downright uncomfortable. Jalen spends all of 15 minutes and RJ sits for about 5 on a good night. It's horrible and I just want to cry because of it.

Albert Einstein's cousin and other updates

Feeling better today than yesterday. My energy still verges on nonexistent but I was still able to get up out of bed today. Yesterday was a losing battle against my physical strength so I gave in and spent the whole day in bed.
RJ had his friends over for the first time. It was nice to know that he gets to spend time with them and maintain a sense of normalcy. Of course, the little one tagged along with all their other adventures.
So, overall, I am feeling much better. My chest still feels like there's a ball stuck inside my sternum but thus far, I've held off taking pain medicine. A first time in months, literally. I was able to make breakfast and dinner with a lot of assistance from the kids and Ramon. I feel so blessed that I got to have a day like today. I thank God once again.
My other projects are on temporary hold. I think I will make my first posting next weekend. I am naturally talking about my foray into writing. Don't know how long it will last or what it will lead to but I am bound and determined to essentially pursue it. My only limitation would be my own physical strength which inevitably affects my mental faculties as well.
On a more fun note, I found out this week that the medical director at my treatment facility is a bona fide cousin of Albert Einstein himself. Literally, one of the undisputed gods of physics has a living relative whom I interact with almost on a daily basis. How's that for mind-blowing? I mean, Einstein blew the long standing Newtonian principle regarding gravity out of the proverbial water. I was so tickled at finding this out that I now am in the habit of referring to him as "Eintein's cousin." Whether he considers this a compliment remains to be seen, however. He's quite tolerant of me, fortunately.
Once again, I thank my Heavenly Father for all my blessings and for giving me continuing to give me the gift of life. And what a life it is.

Finally Crossing the Bridge between Potentiality and Actuality

This weekend was surprisingly better than the past few days. I am eating more and feeling better. I am still extremely weak and was mostly confined to my bed the entire weekend. But no nausea and that is a huge relief. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

After much trepidation and very little contemplation, I have decided to pursue a decades long dream of mine to write. I have always dreamed of becoming a writer. I wouldn't make a living out of it at this stage but I believe it will bring me much satisfaction. So what do I write about? Well, anything...everything...nothing. My meanderings will run the gamut from pedantic musings to everyday observations about life and people. The chief purpose is that I actually start to pen something. I have always believed writing to be inherently self-indulgent and I am now inclined to fully indulge myself. It is merely to satisfy myself that I have arrived at this decision. We'll see what my brain's gray matter will concoct. I cannot wait.

Today's Ordeal

Another difficult day trying get through treatment. The long hours spent doing treatments are starting to take their toll. Yesterday my dad and I were at the treatment center for almost 6 hours. They had to take a series of x-rays but only after all the other patients have had their treatments. The waiting was interminable. I was also chastised for refusing radiation treatments. The reason for my refusal has been my standing belief that it is the root of my nausea. The doctors all seem to disagree with my assessment.
I was feeling very weak today and even walking necessitated the assistance of my husband. To compound today's ordeal, I found little bumps on my chest which my new oncologist confirmed were cancerous lesions invading my chest wall. He is therefore starting me on systemic chemo, the very thing I have sworn never to take again. Just when my hair was starting to grow back, it looks like I may lose it again. I am also not too enthused about the fact that I will once again suffer all the nasty side effects that are inevitable with chemo.
Such is my life. Mundane it is not.

My Relatives' Dirty Little Secret

This past weekend was my cousin Ryan’s housewarming party. We were all set to go until I found that a certain person was there and we canceled at the last minute. Let me explain.
You see, my family is hiding a dirty little secret. One of my paternal uncles is a child molester. He molested my cousin when she was but a young girl. And he molested my sister as well, albeit she was older at the time of the incident. While I am angry at everything that has transpired, what makes me livid is the almost nonchalant attitude adopted by my relatives. My aunt, his sister, casually explained the behavior this way: “Well, you know, when your uncle gets horny, he doesn’t really discriminate as to the person.” How’s that for twisted logic? I also later found out that my cousin (the victim) actually confided in this same aunt and she did absolutely nothing. Such is the pervasive hypocrisy and lack of integrity that define my relatives.
They better be thanking their lucky stars that I am in no condition to take action because I am still seething over this matter. The freak got away with it and my relatives have been so kind as to protect him and his wife.
My only consolation is that someday he will have to answer to God and let’s see him lie his way out of that.

Unbearable Pain

The pain is crippling. I am in a lot of pain right now. I feel so helpless. I do nothing but cry because the pain has taken over my body. I just want to die. I wish I would simply die. I can't take it anymore. I don't know how. Please, God. Just take me now. I've suffered enough. Would nothing ease the pain? Please, God, bring me relief. I just want relief.

Wonderfully Boring Saturday

Feeling much better. Regaining weight kinda fast as I'm shoveling food down my throat as fast as I could. The pain is under better control thanks in part to my wonderful mom who massages my shoulder and arm almost daily. She and my dad have been invaluable. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without them.
Ramon is planning on taking a medical leave from work so he could help me out more. I believe he has projects he's pondering around the house. Boy, can't wait.

My Little Ball of Joy

Jalen never fails to make me smile or laugh. His boundless imagination is wonderfully unhampered by practicality or reason. If only adults shared the same sense of creativity and optimism. He sees things differently than the rest of us. He drew a picture (he loves to draw) of a "sun portal." This is essentially a solar power grid but shaped like a sun. He doesn't understand why solar power grids had to be a boring rectangular shape and are so completely unimaginative. He sees things not as they are but in an elevated design format. It's quite fascinating sometimes to listen to his ideas and wonder how he comes up with them. I am just gratified that I get to have the joy of listening to him allow his imagination to soar. I hope growing up does not hinder this incredible side of him. That would be an absolute crime.

Update

Had a difficult past few days. The relentless nausea and vomiting has left my body weak and virtually unable to walk. I need assistance to take steps anywhere. Rather humbling, and at times downright humiliating. But it is what it is. And something I have to contend with at the present moment. The bone pain is also quite debilitating and unremitting. I'm hoping that the treatment I'm receiving will help the pain soon. I know I just need to be patient. It's difficult to maintain patience when your body is in so much pain and the nausea and vomiting leaves it feeling like you're going to die soon. I have been praying to die again. My mom started crying when I told her I wanted to give up. She begged me to stay strong. For her but especially for my children. I know I need to trust my Heavenly Father who I know will see me through this as He has done countless times in the past. I am indeed lucky to be alive and I ought to celebrate that fact, not bemoan it.

First Dance, First Love

Amazing how fast time goes. RJ went to his first official dance last night. It was a mad scramble to find him a suit and get him looking reasonably “spiffed-up” for their school winter formal. To say that Ramon and I remain bemused would be an understatement. His date is a year older than but is in the same grade. They were holding hands! Holey-moley! And he had his arm around her waist on more than one occasion. Ramon and I kept giving each other looks like, “What the heck?” When did our little boy grow-up? And why’d he grow up so fast?!
Ramon kept imagining all sorts of scenarios and I simply took everything in stride. RJ is 14. He is young and this is his first love. I get it. I was once that young and naïve. The most important thing is that RJ does not need the feel to hide this “relationship” from us. There’s a level of trust and openness that is the hallmark of our relationship with our son. And that is a cause for celebration, not worry. He has always displayed a level of maturity that is far beyond his years. And I trust him. I trust him to make good choices. I trust him to understand consequences as they relate to one’s behavior. And I am firm in that trust.
And he’s happy, which is all I ever wish.

Another Restless Night

The nausea lingers. Makes it hard to get sleep when both pain and nausea are conspiring against your body. Ramon has been up as well. Neither one of us get much rest lately. He, because of all that he has to contend with in order to keep our family from falling apart. And I, because of my physical struggles. He made me ginger tea which staves off the nausea.
I wish I could say that I am feeling stronger but my body has clearly deteriorated and trying to nourish it has become an unpleasant chore. There's not much my stomach would tolerate. My muscles have whittled away to nothing. I saw my legs in the mirror and I was immediately struck by how I resembled victims from the Holocaust. The starkness of this mental image is horrifying and inescapable. Ironically, my face is rounded and swollen from the steroids I've been taking. My left arm is also retaining hard and fast to the edema. I cannot imagine a bleaker picture.
I am trying really hard to recollect images of a healthy me. I hope to someday go hiking, or running, or biking again. Today, I would settle for being able to go to the bathroom without feeling like my legs would buckle underneath me.

Kids and Treasures

Are essentially the same thing.

Jalen rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher without me asking. That’s the kind of special kid he is, so loving, so thoughtful and so caring. He took off his shirt because he was getting splashed with too much water as he couldn’t fully reach the sink. I was worried he might get cold but he insisted that he was “okay.” I remained bound to the sofa and simply enjoyed watching him actually enjoy doing the dishes - smiles and all. What a treasure! I am so blessed and so lucky.

God is Good.

Fact.

Today I was marveling at the majesty of God’s infinite goodness. Really, all I was doing was allowing me to enjoy the perfect mundaneness of everyday life. My mom and dad went with me to my treatment today. They brought along two of my favorite little people: my two adorable nieces. They managed to keep a bunch of other patients and visitors entertained with their little antics. Solana chatting nonstop and Kiana mimicking the older one. Both were making perfect adorable spectacles of themselves. In the car, Solana kept a nonstop chant of nursery rhymes and songs while Kiana would gesture and dance. I found myself laughing out loud several times. They are too easy to love. And they make life infinitely more precious.
Unfortunately, this belies a serious incident that happened the previous night. Apparently, my little Kiana got into my mom’s stash of blood pressure and heart medication, chewed and swallowed as any one year old is wont to do when confronted with what look like appetizing bits of candies. So, a trip to the ER and an overnight stay of trauma for the little darling ensued. She still had her little armband on and what appears to be a prodigious amount of surgical tape when I first saw her. Happily, she seems to have suffered no lasting ill-effects. Little ones do tend to cope and bounce back amazingly well.
Again, God is good.

Life Goes On...Thankfully

The past week and a half has been hellish. But once again, I managed to survive. Due in large part to my husband who has been nothing but strength and optimism. He has been doing triple duty, attending to my multitude needs, being a mom and a dad to our children, and trying to balance a seemingly insurmountable amount of work for his paying wages. His sighs and groans have now become so commonplace (and attenuated around me) that I've coined a new phrase to combine them. Grighs. There goes Ramon and his occasional grighs. Rather unsporting of me but it's the only way I could overlook these sporadic acts of melodrama. Yes, he is more than entitled. Yes, he is deserving of far more sympathy than I could muster. Yes, my ungrateful wretched self is damn lucky.
I guess being preoccupied with being sick takes up most of your time and energy. I spent the past week in a relentless battle with nausea. Yup, idiot me, knowing my severe sensitivity to opiates agreed to take a dose of methadone. There goes the few pounds I managed to gain. You know you're getting too skinny when you could slide size 0 jeans down your hips without unbuttoning them. Fortunately, I recoup fast.
I also started treatment and have been having a reasonably tolerable time. The pain is actually under better control.
Thank you, Holy Father, for all my blessings and don't ever let me take anything for granted again. Especially my husband, who has done so much for me.

Down but not beaten

Another eventful day. Left home at about 815am to take Jalen to school. Went directly to Santa Monica for a PET scan, a two-hour ordeal. The nuclear med technician couldn’t find a vein because my veins have now gotten into the habit of hiding whenever they sense a hypodermic needle in the vicinity. My right arm (the only usable one) is now once again black and blue. I used to joke about the bruises looking like track marks but it doesn’t seem so funny right at the moment. From Santa Monica, we went directly to City of Hope in Duarte. Essentially, I am trying to see if I could qualify for a new clinical trial they are hosting for a very promising new chemo regimen. Unfortunately, openings are rare and the hospital is on the wait list with other hospitals performing the clinical trials. The fact that I have been on various chemo regimens also precludes me from all but one. This lone trial I may be eligible for has a long waiting list and there are at least two other people before me. Crap. The oncologist, a kindly Chinese lady, advised me to not wait and to discuss other possible chemo with my current oncologist. Not very promising or encouraging but not as bad as I anticipated. I am trying to maintain a positive outlook.

Sleepless in Whittier

Can't sleep. The pain is intractable against my current arsenal of drugs. I naively thought that my body would accustom itself to the relentless aches, pressures, throbbing and tenderness. The sternal and right shoulder pain predominate but the back of my neck is slowly but surely manifesting itself. I can now completely understand why people become addicted to pain killers and why others would choose to euthanize themselves. I'm in a fine mood to give Dr. Kevorkian a call. This is sheer torture.
I suppose I could take some opiates to relieve the pain but that would bring on a bout of nausea. The mere notion is enough to make me want to retch.
So here I am. In pain and unable to sleep. So I blog to take my mind off the physical sensations wrought by cancer. If only I could sleep my way to oblivion.

The Restoration of Hope

The shock is slowly ebbing away. Ramon has been extraordinary. My inability to mobilize and make decisions has resulted in him taking charge. He made an appointment for us to see an alternative treatment place in Culver City. They use low dose radiation combined with heat therapy to treat cancer. I am cautiously optimistic but I am placing my faith in the Heavenly Father to pave the way for my healing. I know He will see me through this. Thank you for restoring my hope.

When it rains, it pours

Do I keep fighting? The old adage “When it rains, it pours” seems so appropriate. Today we saw my UCLA oncologist and what he had to say wasn’t very encouraging. Essentially, he spelled out what I already knew to be true. I’m out of chemo options and the last regimen he has to offer is not a promising one. I tried not to cry at the appointment but it was simply too hard. Ramon maintained his optimism, urging me to try the chemo. I shook my head. My body has been through enough and I’m not willing to subject myself to the horrible side effects again.
So, now what? I guess I ought to start those letters I have been meaning to write. Letters to my children about how much I love them and how sorry I am to leave them. I am writing this through my tears. The physical pain cannot even begin to compare with the emotional pain I feel. They are so young still. I am angry for how unfair this is to them. I worry about how they will cope without me. I worry about how vulnerable they are still –so incredibly young and impressionable. I try to take comfort in knowing that my family would look after them. I don’t know how anyone deals with this level of pain. I cannot endure it. I simply don’t know how.

"I don't have good news"

“I don’t have good news”, began my usually sanguine oncologist. His somber tone, contrary to his customary cheery demeanor, stopped me cold. A feeling of cold dread spread through my body. I shut my eyes and braced myself for the news that would shatter my hopes yet again. The chemo is not working and the cancer has spread further. More lymph nodes are now involved and some have grown larger. I was strangely calm as I listened to his report. The entire conversation lasted about a minute and I didn’t say much. I think I said “okay” a couple of times, but was otherwise silent. He told me I could go back to my regular oncologist since I am now off the clinical trial. “And then what?,” I screamed inwardly. My regular oncologist hasn’t offered me much hope. I have exhausted all possible chemo treatments and other novelty treatments are at least a year away from FDA approval.
Visions of my children growing up motherless permeated my consciousness. Anger and despair once again threatened to overwhelm me. I tried not to cry as I reached for the phone to call Ramon. I could barely talk. One inescapable truth was predominant in my mind…I was going to die soon.

MD Visit

Got back from the doctor for a Procrit shot. This shot boosts my hemoglobin which gives me more energy. Essentially, I could walk a block instead of a mere quarter. My blood pressure is still sky high - 140/110. The bottom number has been consistently high and the NP at my doc's is concerned about me stroking out. Yeah, he and I both. He strongly admonished me about needing to take my blood pressure med which I forgot to take this morning. I promised faithfully that I will not allow this lapse again.
Went to visit my nieces so I could play some more with my T1i. The camera started giving me a "busy" signal and not fully comprehending all the various mechanics, I attributed these hiccups to user error. I really ought to read the manual more thoroughly. Nonetheless, I managed to capture a few amazing shots of the girls.

Sense of normalcy

Living everyday with cancer and pain is a struggle I cannot express into words. I am now habitually awake in the wee hours of the morning because of the pain, and it's escalating. Unfortunately, I am extremely sensitive to opiates so I rely on over-the-counter medications to alleviate the pain. Moderately effective relief, but enough to enable me to function. Walking is painful because of the numbness to my feet and my hands have difficulty grasping things because I am unable to fully bend my fingers. The sensitivity to hot and cold can be downright excruciating. The skin on my hands and feet is also peeling and cracked.
My energy level is waning gradually. Walking around the supermarket is enough to make me short of breath. Most days I find myself physically molded onto my sofa cushions.
Gee, I wonder why I’m so depressed.

New Toy

I finally received my new Canon Rebel T1i. May I just say how sweet this camera is. Unfortunately, my favorite photographic subjects are unavailable during the daytime so I am forced to make do with the lovely "scenery" in my backyard and my poor dog Marsh. I am still struggling with all the complex buttons and the various techniques one needs to master in order to fully appreciate the use of this camera. Intimidating and out of my league would best sum up my relationship with the T1i. Thus far, I have only used the auto focus modes. I am getting decent pictures but nothing spectacular. I do love the camera's shutter speed, however, as it enables me to quickly snap photos continuously.
Somehow, RJ and Jalen do not appreciate being bombarded with a series of flashes as they try to do homework, eat dinner, watch TV, be sullen, etc., etc. Ramon is just as accommodating. Well, I suppose I could train Marsh to sit still for portraits.