Finally Crossing the Bridge between Potentiality and Actuality

This weekend was surprisingly better than the past few days. I am eating more and feeling better. I am still extremely weak and was mostly confined to my bed the entire weekend. But no nausea and that is a huge relief. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

After much trepidation and very little contemplation, I have decided to pursue a decades long dream of mine to write. I have always dreamed of becoming a writer. I wouldn't make a living out of it at this stage but I believe it will bring me much satisfaction. So what do I write about? Well, anything...everything...nothing. My meanderings will run the gamut from pedantic musings to everyday observations about life and people. The chief purpose is that I actually start to pen something. I have always believed writing to be inherently self-indulgent and I am now inclined to fully indulge myself. It is merely to satisfy myself that I have arrived at this decision. We'll see what my brain's gray matter will concoct. I cannot wait.

Today's Ordeal

Another difficult day trying get through treatment. The long hours spent doing treatments are starting to take their toll. Yesterday my dad and I were at the treatment center for almost 6 hours. They had to take a series of x-rays but only after all the other patients have had their treatments. The waiting was interminable. I was also chastised for refusing radiation treatments. The reason for my refusal has been my standing belief that it is the root of my nausea. The doctors all seem to disagree with my assessment.
I was feeling very weak today and even walking necessitated the assistance of my husband. To compound today's ordeal, I found little bumps on my chest which my new oncologist confirmed were cancerous lesions invading my chest wall. He is therefore starting me on systemic chemo, the very thing I have sworn never to take again. Just when my hair was starting to grow back, it looks like I may lose it again. I am also not too enthused about the fact that I will once again suffer all the nasty side effects that are inevitable with chemo.
Such is my life. Mundane it is not.

My Relatives' Dirty Little Secret

This past weekend was my cousin Ryan’s housewarming party. We were all set to go until I found that a certain person was there and we canceled at the last minute. Let me explain.
You see, my family is hiding a dirty little secret. One of my paternal uncles is a child molester. He molested my cousin when she was but a young girl. And he molested my sister as well, albeit she was older at the time of the incident. While I am angry at everything that has transpired, what makes me livid is the almost nonchalant attitude adopted by my relatives. My aunt, his sister, casually explained the behavior this way: “Well, you know, when your uncle gets horny, he doesn’t really discriminate as to the person.” How’s that for twisted logic? I also later found out that my cousin (the victim) actually confided in this same aunt and she did absolutely nothing. Such is the pervasive hypocrisy and lack of integrity that define my relatives.
They better be thanking their lucky stars that I am in no condition to take action because I am still seething over this matter. The freak got away with it and my relatives have been so kind as to protect him and his wife.
My only consolation is that someday he will have to answer to God and let’s see him lie his way out of that.

Unbearable Pain

The pain is crippling. I am in a lot of pain right now. I feel so helpless. I do nothing but cry because the pain has taken over my body. I just want to die. I wish I would simply die. I can't take it anymore. I don't know how. Please, God. Just take me now. I've suffered enough. Would nothing ease the pain? Please, God, bring me relief. I just want relief.

Wonderfully Boring Saturday

Feeling much better. Regaining weight kinda fast as I'm shoveling food down my throat as fast as I could. The pain is under better control thanks in part to my wonderful mom who massages my shoulder and arm almost daily. She and my dad have been invaluable. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without them.
Ramon is planning on taking a medical leave from work so he could help me out more. I believe he has projects he's pondering around the house. Boy, can't wait.

My Little Ball of Joy

Jalen never fails to make me smile or laugh. His boundless imagination is wonderfully unhampered by practicality or reason. If only adults shared the same sense of creativity and optimism. He sees things differently than the rest of us. He drew a picture (he loves to draw) of a "sun portal." This is essentially a solar power grid but shaped like a sun. He doesn't understand why solar power grids had to be a boring rectangular shape and are so completely unimaginative. He sees things not as they are but in an elevated design format. It's quite fascinating sometimes to listen to his ideas and wonder how he comes up with them. I am just gratified that I get to have the joy of listening to him allow his imagination to soar. I hope growing up does not hinder this incredible side of him. That would be an absolute crime.

Update

Had a difficult past few days. The relentless nausea and vomiting has left my body weak and virtually unable to walk. I need assistance to take steps anywhere. Rather humbling, and at times downright humiliating. But it is what it is. And something I have to contend with at the present moment. The bone pain is also quite debilitating and unremitting. I'm hoping that the treatment I'm receiving will help the pain soon. I know I just need to be patient. It's difficult to maintain patience when your body is in so much pain and the nausea and vomiting leaves it feeling like you're going to die soon. I have been praying to die again. My mom started crying when I told her I wanted to give up. She begged me to stay strong. For her but especially for my children. I know I need to trust my Heavenly Father who I know will see me through this as He has done countless times in the past. I am indeed lucky to be alive and I ought to celebrate that fact, not bemoan it.

First Dance, First Love

Amazing how fast time goes. RJ went to his first official dance last night. It was a mad scramble to find him a suit and get him looking reasonably “spiffed-up” for their school winter formal. To say that Ramon and I remain bemused would be an understatement. His date is a year older than but is in the same grade. They were holding hands! Holey-moley! And he had his arm around her waist on more than one occasion. Ramon and I kept giving each other looks like, “What the heck?” When did our little boy grow-up? And why’d he grow up so fast?!
Ramon kept imagining all sorts of scenarios and I simply took everything in stride. RJ is 14. He is young and this is his first love. I get it. I was once that young and naïve. The most important thing is that RJ does not need the feel to hide this “relationship” from us. There’s a level of trust and openness that is the hallmark of our relationship with our son. And that is a cause for celebration, not worry. He has always displayed a level of maturity that is far beyond his years. And I trust him. I trust him to make good choices. I trust him to understand consequences as they relate to one’s behavior. And I am firm in that trust.
And he’s happy, which is all I ever wish.

Another Restless Night

The nausea lingers. Makes it hard to get sleep when both pain and nausea are conspiring against your body. Ramon has been up as well. Neither one of us get much rest lately. He, because of all that he has to contend with in order to keep our family from falling apart. And I, because of my physical struggles. He made me ginger tea which staves off the nausea.
I wish I could say that I am feeling stronger but my body has clearly deteriorated and trying to nourish it has become an unpleasant chore. There's not much my stomach would tolerate. My muscles have whittled away to nothing. I saw my legs in the mirror and I was immediately struck by how I resembled victims from the Holocaust. The starkness of this mental image is horrifying and inescapable. Ironically, my face is rounded and swollen from the steroids I've been taking. My left arm is also retaining hard and fast to the edema. I cannot imagine a bleaker picture.
I am trying really hard to recollect images of a healthy me. I hope to someday go hiking, or running, or biking again. Today, I would settle for being able to go to the bathroom without feeling like my legs would buckle underneath me.

Kids and Treasures

Are essentially the same thing.

Jalen rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher without me asking. That’s the kind of special kid he is, so loving, so thoughtful and so caring. He took off his shirt because he was getting splashed with too much water as he couldn’t fully reach the sink. I was worried he might get cold but he insisted that he was “okay.” I remained bound to the sofa and simply enjoyed watching him actually enjoy doing the dishes - smiles and all. What a treasure! I am so blessed and so lucky.

God is Good.

Fact.

Today I was marveling at the majesty of God’s infinite goodness. Really, all I was doing was allowing me to enjoy the perfect mundaneness of everyday life. My mom and dad went with me to my treatment today. They brought along two of my favorite little people: my two adorable nieces. They managed to keep a bunch of other patients and visitors entertained with their little antics. Solana chatting nonstop and Kiana mimicking the older one. Both were making perfect adorable spectacles of themselves. In the car, Solana kept a nonstop chant of nursery rhymes and songs while Kiana would gesture and dance. I found myself laughing out loud several times. They are too easy to love. And they make life infinitely more precious.
Unfortunately, this belies a serious incident that happened the previous night. Apparently, my little Kiana got into my mom’s stash of blood pressure and heart medication, chewed and swallowed as any one year old is wont to do when confronted with what look like appetizing bits of candies. So, a trip to the ER and an overnight stay of trauma for the little darling ensued. She still had her little armband on and what appears to be a prodigious amount of surgical tape when I first saw her. Happily, she seems to have suffered no lasting ill-effects. Little ones do tend to cope and bounce back amazingly well.
Again, God is good.

Life Goes On...Thankfully

The past week and a half has been hellish. But once again, I managed to survive. Due in large part to my husband who has been nothing but strength and optimism. He has been doing triple duty, attending to my multitude needs, being a mom and a dad to our children, and trying to balance a seemingly insurmountable amount of work for his paying wages. His sighs and groans have now become so commonplace (and attenuated around me) that I've coined a new phrase to combine them. Grighs. There goes Ramon and his occasional grighs. Rather unsporting of me but it's the only way I could overlook these sporadic acts of melodrama. Yes, he is more than entitled. Yes, he is deserving of far more sympathy than I could muster. Yes, my ungrateful wretched self is damn lucky.
I guess being preoccupied with being sick takes up most of your time and energy. I spent the past week in a relentless battle with nausea. Yup, idiot me, knowing my severe sensitivity to opiates agreed to take a dose of methadone. There goes the few pounds I managed to gain. You know you're getting too skinny when you could slide size 0 jeans down your hips without unbuttoning them. Fortunately, I recoup fast.
I also started treatment and have been having a reasonably tolerable time. The pain is actually under better control.
Thank you, Holy Father, for all my blessings and don't ever let me take anything for granted again. Especially my husband, who has done so much for me.

Down but not beaten

Another eventful day. Left home at about 815am to take Jalen to school. Went directly to Santa Monica for a PET scan, a two-hour ordeal. The nuclear med technician couldn’t find a vein because my veins have now gotten into the habit of hiding whenever they sense a hypodermic needle in the vicinity. My right arm (the only usable one) is now once again black and blue. I used to joke about the bruises looking like track marks but it doesn’t seem so funny right at the moment. From Santa Monica, we went directly to City of Hope in Duarte. Essentially, I am trying to see if I could qualify for a new clinical trial they are hosting for a very promising new chemo regimen. Unfortunately, openings are rare and the hospital is on the wait list with other hospitals performing the clinical trials. The fact that I have been on various chemo regimens also precludes me from all but one. This lone trial I may be eligible for has a long waiting list and there are at least two other people before me. Crap. The oncologist, a kindly Chinese lady, advised me to not wait and to discuss other possible chemo with my current oncologist. Not very promising or encouraging but not as bad as I anticipated. I am trying to maintain a positive outlook.

Sleepless in Whittier

Can't sleep. The pain is intractable against my current arsenal of drugs. I naively thought that my body would accustom itself to the relentless aches, pressures, throbbing and tenderness. The sternal and right shoulder pain predominate but the back of my neck is slowly but surely manifesting itself. I can now completely understand why people become addicted to pain killers and why others would choose to euthanize themselves. I'm in a fine mood to give Dr. Kevorkian a call. This is sheer torture.
I suppose I could take some opiates to relieve the pain but that would bring on a bout of nausea. The mere notion is enough to make me want to retch.
So here I am. In pain and unable to sleep. So I blog to take my mind off the physical sensations wrought by cancer. If only I could sleep my way to oblivion.