"I don't have good news"

“I don’t have good news”, began my usually sanguine oncologist. His somber tone, contrary to his customary cheery demeanor, stopped me cold. A feeling of cold dread spread through my body. I shut my eyes and braced myself for the news that would shatter my hopes yet again. The chemo is not working and the cancer has spread further. More lymph nodes are now involved and some have grown larger. I was strangely calm as I listened to his report. The entire conversation lasted about a minute and I didn’t say much. I think I said “okay” a couple of times, but was otherwise silent. He told me I could go back to my regular oncologist since I am now off the clinical trial. “And then what?,” I screamed inwardly. My regular oncologist hasn’t offered me much hope. I have exhausted all possible chemo treatments and other novelty treatments are at least a year away from FDA approval.
Visions of my children growing up motherless permeated my consciousness. Anger and despair once again threatened to overwhelm me. I tried not to cry as I reached for the phone to call Ramon. I could barely talk. One inescapable truth was predominant in my mind…I was going to die soon.