When it rains, it pours

Do I keep fighting? The old adage “When it rains, it pours” seems so appropriate. Today we saw my UCLA oncologist and what he had to say wasn’t very encouraging. Essentially, he spelled out what I already knew to be true. I’m out of chemo options and the last regimen he has to offer is not a promising one. I tried not to cry at the appointment but it was simply too hard. Ramon maintained his optimism, urging me to try the chemo. I shook my head. My body has been through enough and I’m not willing to subject myself to the horrible side effects again.
So, now what? I guess I ought to start those letters I have been meaning to write. Letters to my children about how much I love them and how sorry I am to leave them. I am writing this through my tears. The physical pain cannot even begin to compare with the emotional pain I feel. They are so young still. I am angry for how unfair this is to them. I worry about how they will cope without me. I worry about how vulnerable they are still –so incredibly young and impressionable. I try to take comfort in knowing that my family would look after them. I don’t know how anyone deals with this level of pain. I cannot endure it. I simply don’t know how.